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4/12/2010 5:2:10

Tomorrow

Less than 24 hours until I have my first therapist appointment. My stomach is turning and I kept feeling sick today. I dread to think what tomorrow is going to be like. My appointment is at 3pm. So I'm going to the gym before my appointment. The gym is on the next block down from the therapist's office. So I'll do 30 minutes or so cardio, take a shower and go to my appointment. I don't feel like battling traffic to get home, just to drive halfway back to work for my appointment. So this way, it'll get me to the gym. Since I've only been averaging 1 visit a week for spin class on Saturday. And I need to get back to going to the gym. The Wii Fit is just not cutting it. I bought some new bras yesterday. I kinda figured I needed a 38, not a 36. But I went from a DD to a DDD. When I tried it on in the dressing room, I just wanted to cry. Who am I kidding, I still want to cry because I feel like such a pig.




But to lift my spirits a little bit, (and being the bitch that I am) I parked next to one of the wanna-be-pretty-boys who live on the floor below. This guy has this POS sports car and thinks he's the shit. Either that or he thinks he's cool because he goes to P(S)U. I have never met one person who went there that didn't have a superiority complex. He doesn't seem any different. But let me say, he's going to Berks campus of P(S)U , wasn't he smart enough to go to main? Either way, it's not impressive. He obviously thinks he is special enough that he can park on the line in a parking lot that doesn't have enough spots so as it is. Again, being the bitch that I am, I parked on the side where he was parked on the line. He does it all the freaking time. Today, I snapped a picture, I'm going to print it out at work tomorrow, type up a letter to the office and drop it off. Hey, rules are rules. One car, one spot per unit parked in front of the building (they both park right in front of the entrance)

Optimus Prime Kicks Ass!

Just because I'm in a semi-good mood today, here is a funny courtesy of a fellow Raveler....

I finally got the nerve

Yep, I finally worked up the courage to call a therapist. I've got my first appointment on Nov 18. It's a few weeks away, but I'm already nervous. But I think I need this. It seems like the good days are getting to be few and far between. There are many things going on with me that could be contributed to depression. I've got eating problems, I'm almost constantly in pain, I have a horribly short fuse. If you add that anger problem in, I may even be bordering on Bipolar. We'll see what she says. I'm hoping I don't go in there and put the "mask of happiness" on like I'm so used to doing. Because you know, you've got to hide it. I doesn't matter how you are feeling, as long as you're making other people happy. People don't care what you think, they matter, you don't. Remember.....don't rock the boat!!!!

Yeah, pretty stupid thought, isn't it? This is how I was brought up. I was never told this straight out, but there are many other things I've been told or how I've been treated that come down to this.

My Neglected Body

The question today from my health insurance's wellness plan is.... "If I just listened, what would my body say to me?"


That's an easy one. My body would tell me it feels horrible. It's sick of having it's tummy be squoosed in by jeans. It feels bloated and poisoned with all the processed food I've been eating. It would tell me that I'm doing good on some aspects of my eating, but the junk has got to go.


My body is also stiff and tired. It would tell me to get back to how I used to exercise because it would feel a lot better.

My Relationship with food

I just started using some healthy living tools on my health insurance's website. I'm working through the weight and depression one. One of the things in the weight module is using a journal. They give questions that you are supposed to answer in your journal.

This is the first one...."For me, food is a substitute for _______. When did I learn to use food this way?"

The first thing that came to my mind? Well, it's two things.

"For me, food is a substitue for love and acceptance.

Why am I saying that? Because the food I eat will always accept me, it will always comfort me the way that someone who loves you does. Food is always there for you. All you have to do is go out and buy it. It makes the happy chemicals in your brain and makes me feel better.

Honestly, I've never really felt loved. I've always been that person who what pushed to the side when something/someone better came along. I've never felt important to anyone. I've never really felt accepted. For the same reasons why I've never really felt loved. I've never been a part of a group (aka clique). Even when it looked like I was, I was really just a hanger-on. I latched onto someone who would tolerate me and I weasled my way into that circle of friends for a bit. Then they caught on and I would be invited to less and less get togethers. I can name a few times where a "popular" kid "befriended" me in school because they just moved to the street or something, but once they found where the more popular kids were, they stopped calling. I'd call and see if they wanted to do something.....nope, they never did. They were to busy with the "popular" people. I guess I was a good standby.



When did I learn to use food this way?

I can't tell you that. I've always been this way with food. It's my first thought when I'm lonely, upset, stressed, depressed, etc. There is never anybody there, but the food is always there for me. It won't talk down to me, it won't tell me that my thoughts are stupid, it won't make fun of me.........it won't judge me.

Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard just to call someone and ask for help? I've just been
looking over my company's EAP program's website. I've looked at it before
and I can't work up the nerve to call. My other option is calling a
therapist. I've looked at the list of therapists covered by my insurance.
But again, I can't get up the courage to call and make an appointment. I
don't know what to say. I don't know how to ask for an appointment. What do
I tell them? I think I'm messed up in the head? I think I'm depressed? I
think I have a lot of mental problems that I need help with?

But then again, why should I bother. They'll just think I'm an idiot and
I'll make a fool out of myself.

Ugly

I was uploading pictures of a crochet project into my flikr account earlier today. Two of those pictures, I have my newly made hat on my head. All I can say is that boy am I hideous. I'm just not attractive and can't find a bit of anything to focus on to make myself beleive that I am. I shouldn't be surprised because my family line, especially my father's side is all full of butt fugly and the generations are getting worse. Why should I have been any different. I just hate looking at myself in a mirror or in pictures. It's just depressing. Like I need anything else to make me more depressed.





I mean come on. Look at the fucking nose, double chin, well just everything. I don't think anybody reads this, but if you do, please don't patronize me by leaving comments telling me that I am attractive. Save the BS for someone else. Yes, you'll probably tell me not to be so down on myself. Well, I've never been told once that I looked good/atractive/cute/etc. There have been the "that outfit is really cute" or something of the sort, never one comment about me, not even to help boost my self-esteem. I can't even rember being told this as a child/teenager. I've tried dressing up/using make-up to feel good about myself. It. Doesn't. Work. I don't care what people say.


I gotta wonder why I bother. Bother staying here. Maybe I'll get into an accident and it'll kill my ugly ass.

Clutter

I don't know where to start. I fear that I'm coming close to saying that I
have a hoarding problem. I have so much stuff piled up around my tiny little
apartment, it's hard to move. There is one little path from my bedroom door
to my bed. If you want to get to the bathroom or my closest from my bed,
you've got to step on a whole pile of stuff. Both my windows in my bedroom
are broken, but I can't call maintenance because there is so much junk piled
up in front, you can't get to them. I had just enough room to get the one
open. It was sort of stuck open most of the summer. Since when it rains, it
comes right in those windows, I had to shut the storm window and leave the
actual window up in fear that I wouldn't be able to get it opened again. Now
that I've closed the windows for the season, I'm glad I kept that one
opened. I could barely get it down. Once it was down, I attempted to get it
back up. It won't budge. I guess I have the winter to get my room in gear so
maintenance can get to the windows.

The only place I keep relatively clear is my "living room." Right behind my
sofa is my computer/crafting area. This is a complete mess. There are
magazines, crafting supplies, shoes and other stuff. It's getting to the
point that that I can barely get to my chair at my computer.

I know all this is a problem and it's going to lead to this situation
getting worse. I've got a 4 day weekend and my one goal was to clean one
small area. I choose my kitchen. I was going to do it this morning. I got
the dishes in the dishwasher, but looking at the rest, I don't know where to
start. This is getting out of control. It's making me more pissed and
depressed. I can't find anything. I lose stuff at the drop of a hat because
my place is so cluttered. I need help and I don't know where to turn.

Sigh......Sad again.....

Today is one of those days where I wonder why I even bother.


How can I go from feeling okay at 5am to feeling so down in the dumps I can hardly move at 9am?

This is going to be one of those days that I wish I'd fall off the face of the Earth.